For those of you that may be wondering where in the heck I've been, let me just tell you that being a 'first time mommy' is some hard work!  I read a few blogs out there with other women talking about motherhood and how great everything has been and how life has never been better.  Well hats off to those women...because motherhood has come with its ups and downs for me.  Growing up I was never really sure if I even wanted to be a mom one day.  I always knew I wanted to be a wife to a wonderful man (and I succeeded) but even after marrying the most incredible guy the thought of a child still wasn't in my future.  As a few years passed by something in me finally started yearning for something more.  A little human being created by my husband and me.  Someone to show the world to and watch grow into an adult with dreams and hopes of their own.  Knowing that my husband would be with me through his support and encouragement made the decision a lot more easy.  I wanted a baby.  Before I had time to blink I was pregnant.  Being pregnant was scary during the first trimester because it sinks in that there is no turning back.  I couldn't just quit when things got hard   I was no longer just taking care of myself, I had this little person inside of me that depended on me and only me…(like I said - scary).  But then came the second trimester, which was very easy for me.  I got to find out that I was carrying a boy.  Of course this made my husband very excited.  A son to do all the fun father and son actives with.  I jumped right into decorating his room (in a later post I'll show you the process of Parker's nursery).  Finally came the third trimester - by this time I was huge, my heart burn was out of control and I felt so unattractive, yet unmotivated to do anything about it.  I don't even want to go into the labor and delivery part of this story but lets just say it was horrible.  By the time I gave birth to Parker I was so out of it I barely remember holding him for the first time which makes me so sad.  I spent a total of 3 nights and 4 days in the hospital.  If I had to be there a moment longer I was sure I would have lost my marbles.  I wanted to be somewhere that gave me a sense of normalcy, not some sterilized hotel room with people constantly coming and going.  Having a child that solely depends on you for food was hard, especially since he was eating every hour to hour an a half.  And when he wasn't feeding or crying and I could finally close my eyes for a second the nurse would come in to take my temp and push on my stomach.  I wanted to scream out "please just let me sleep".  Sleep? Haha There's no sleep or at least not with my little one.  It didn't help that he had jaundice and had to wear this glowing jetpack looking thing on his back 24 hours a day for almost two weeks.  My husbands parents were there the first week we were home with Parker. They made all these wonderful dinners but I couldn't eat from all the stress from being a mom.  It was like the idea of food made me sick.  Here I was sleep/food deprived trying to take care of a little baby that wouldn't sleep for nothing.  Every time he would cry I felt a lump jump up into my throat and the thought that I couldn't do this would enter my head which made me want to cry.  I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong and it made me want to just curl up into a ball and disappear.  It didn't help that I would always compare my baby to my friends baby who was a week older then Parker.  I slowly learned that each baby is truly different and that you can't judge what one does to another. I'm actually still learning this.  Postpartum depression is serious and although I in no way ever thought about hurting myself or my child it still hurt.  I wasn't diagnosed with postpartum but I fully believe I was suffering from it.  The moment things started turning around for me was when I stopped breastfeeding and realized I wasn't a bad mom for doing it either.  Tyler was able to step in and help with the feeding which helped more than words can describe.  I was regaining my appetite and with that my sanity.  Being a mother wasn't feeling so out of my reach anymore.  I CAN do this...right?!! Things have gotten much better now.  He is just over three months old and things are still hard, but they are so much better.  Those first two and a half months were tough, but I am so glad to have gone through them.  My advice to any future mothers is to stay strong and enjoy the little moments while you can, because while it may seem like an eternity at the time, before you know it you will be looking back wishing that time went by so much slower.

Pictures by Stephanie Maria Photography

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