What a cheesy title, I know lol! I can honestly say I haven’t
found mine yet. I am so blessed for what I have, but sometimes it feels like
I’ll never be in a position where I feel like I’m in control or I’m ahead of
the game. It’s a constant battle within when you see other mothers that are
part of the PTO and volunteering to be homeroom mom.
They seem so put together.
I mean they really look like they have their
shit together and they're in a whole other league.
No one has ever looked at me as not enough or anything like that, it’s
all in my head.
So I guess I’m wondering
where do you find that perfect balance of doing the mom things but not losing it in the process?
I think the pressure I put on myself builds up
until I end up exploding.
For example, this past weekend was one of my hardest
weekends I’ve had in a while with my kids.
They were extra fussy/whiny/just plain bad.
By the end of the day Sunday I literally couldn’t
control my temper with them anymore.
They
had pushed me to my absolute limit and I literally broke down. Neither of them
would listen to me and the fighting between them was out of control.
I’m not big on spanking unless nothing else
has worked. Parker pushed me passed the point of spanking to where I had to
leave the room to calm myself down before dishing out a punishment.
He was running around the house with a
large cup of soda and I told him more than once to go put the drink down
before he spilled it everywhere! Well, you guessed it, he squeezed it and out came
soda all over my runner.
Remember how I said the kids had been testing me for 2 days with their attitudes and not listening?
I lost it.
I was so mad that I literally had to walk away
after cleaning it up.
Tyler took care of
the kids the rest of the night.
I was
done.
Did I overact? Maybe.
I think the pressure from everything had
built up to that moment where I basically lost control.
I’m not the perfect mom. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even a good mom...but I try
to do the best I can for my kids as most moms do.
I don’t won’t my kids to look back on their
childhood and remember the time their mom lost her mind over spilled soda.
I’m exhausted and feel alone even thought I
know I’m not.
I have an amazing husband who
does so much for us but it’s still lonely.
One day I know I will look back on these times and say you
were a brilliant mom that did a freaking great job...one day.
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