FINDING MY INNER PEACE

What a cheesy title, I know lol! I can honestly say I haven’t found mine yet. I am so blessed for what I have, but sometimes it feels like I’ll never be in a position where I feel like I’m in control or I’m ahead of the game. It’s a constant battle within when you see other mothers that are part of the PTO and volunteering to be homeroom mom.  They seem so put together.  I mean they really look like they have their shit together and they're in a whole other league.  No one has ever looked at me as not enough or anything like that, it’s all in my head.  So I guess I’m wondering where do you find that perfect balance of doing the mom things but not losing it in the process?   I think the pressure I put on myself builds up until I end up exploding.   

For example, this past weekend was one of my hardest weekends I’ve had in a while with my kids.  They were extra fussy/whiny/just plain bad.  By the end of the day Sunday I literally couldn’t control my temper with them anymore.  They had pushed me to my absolute limit and I literally broke down. Neither of them would listen to me and the fighting between them was out of control.  I’m not big on spanking unless nothing else has worked. Parker pushed me passed the point of spanking to where I had to leave the room to calm myself down before dishing out a punishment.  He was running around the house with a large cup of soda and I told him more than once to go put the drink down before he spilled it everywhere! Well, you guessed it, he squeezed it and out came soda all over my runner.  Remember how I said the kids had been testing me for 2 days with their attitudes and not listening?  I lost it.  I was so mad that I literally had to walk away after cleaning it up.  Tyler took care of the kids the rest of the night.  I was done.

Did I overact? Maybe.  I think the pressure from everything had built up to that moment where I basically lost control.  I’m not the perfect mom. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even a good mom...but I try to do the best I can for my kids as most moms do.  I don’t won’t my kids to look back on their childhood and remember the time their mom lost her mind over spilled soda.  I’m exhausted and feel alone even thought I know I’m not.  I have an amazing husband who does so much for us but it’s still lonely.  


One day I know I will look back on these times and say you were a brilliant mom that did a freaking great job...one day.


No comments